Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
