I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
