Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
