just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
