yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
