I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Oh god it's open bar.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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