A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
