I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
