i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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