mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
