a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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