I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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