i think my tv is drunk
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
