im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
