I accidentally had phone sex last night
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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