I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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