420 ftw
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
