Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
