Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
foreskin is a definite game changer
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
