so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
