True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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