Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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