Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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