Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
