I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
