I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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