What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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