There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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