Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
