Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
