He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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