I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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