im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
