I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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