i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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