My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
