he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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