So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
