My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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