I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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