I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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