Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
