I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
