Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
