I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
