Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
