He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
