"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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