My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
