I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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