Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
