My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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