Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
