i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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