I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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