Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
