Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
