also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
