So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
