woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You're like the curious george of whores
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
