so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
